1st Day of Pre-K (Plus a FREE volume of Signing Time!!)

"Oh my gosh, it's happening...  Like right now, this is it!" I excitedly whispered to my husband as Ellie held up her "1st Day of Pre-K" sign proudly, unicorn backpack strapped to her back.

We had lived up this past summer.  I especially wanted to make the most of each day together, knowing these days weren't forever, and I kept tucking away little moments in my heart.  We excitedly counted down the days to September 1st (with alphabet cookies and everything), when Ellie would get to start her first official day of "real" school.

We searched high and low for the perfect little backpack (yay for Skip-Hop!).  We hit up Carter's for the first day of school outfit.  I even got a new lunchbox for E, even though she wouldn't be needing it at school just yet. (Can you tell I love this whole school thing??)

We got a postcard from her teacher, and she eagerly wrote a letter back.

Sounding out each letter as she writes.

We went to see the new classroom and meet her teacher (even scoped out the bathroom), and talked all about what school would be like.  I asked if she would want her to teacher to call her Ellie or Elizabeth, and she decided on Elizabeth. :)

We got "first day of school" books from the library, and read her favorite Berenstain Bears one again, too ("The Berenstain Bears Go to School").

I printed out the classic sign for her to hold for pictures, and got her morning routine all ready so she could practice a few times before the big day.

Then last night arrived--we laid out her clothes, made sure her backpack was ready, and went to bed.

When my alarm went off this morning, I smiled thinking, "It's really here... Ellie's first day of school."  I got myself ready before she was up, and David whipped up the pancake batter.  I had some playdough on the table for her to play with when she got up, and spelled out a special note for me "I LUV YOU." :)

She was so surprised when we started singing "Happy 1st Day of School to You," and brought out the special red plate with a candle for her to make a wish.  (She wished we could go to Sky High again--since we'd just closed out our summer break with it yesterday.)

I couldn't resist making "Pre K" pancakes, since my mom got me this fun pancake pen a while back that's been just too fun.  And I really wanted to make this day special for her.  I love family traditions, and I always loooved back to school as a kid (just ask my mom), so this mama has seriously been beyond excited for this big event.

Ellie asked a few times how many more minutes it was till school, so we didn't need to ask twice when it was time for her to put on her shoes and get her backpack.  As David helped her into her backpack, it just became that much more real.  Kind of like when you first find out you're pregnant, but it doesn't really hit you until you see that little gummy bear in the ultrasound and hear their little heartbeat??

So as we handed her the sign and I saw her beaming at me through the camera's viewfinder, my heart just melted.  It was happening.  Her first day of school was here.  And I couldn't be more proud.

Walking to school from our house.

We cracked up that she even drew a little picture of herself above her name. (Right above the second L)

The first thing the students do is get a book from the bookshelf and sit on the rug to look at it quietly.  She asked me where the books were, so I walked her over, helped her pick out an I Spy book, and then she was good to go. :)

David and I walked back to the house together (we're just 3 minutes away--love it!), and it felt so weird being in there without Ellie.  After I kissed him goodbye and he left for work, I sat down on the couch and thought... now what?  It feels so strange not having my chatty little buddy at home with me, asking constantly, "Mommy, would you like to play with me?"

I'm looking forward to the days I'll have where I'm not teaching classes where I'll get to just run errands quickly or get some house cleaning done, or work on Little Sign of Mine stuff, or exercise.  But it's definitely going to take time to adjust!  I always thought I'd have some one-on-one time with our next little one while Ellie was at school, so there's a sad emptiness there...  But I'm grateful for each season God is giving us, and I'm ready to go make the most of it.

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I love that Ellie's class will be practicing the alphabet in sing language--that was how I first came across my love for signing (in Kindergarten)!  I absolutely love how signing helps little ones learn and remember so many things.



So I'm excited to share that Signing Time is giving away a FREE episode!!!!  No loopholes or gimmicks, it's just yours!!  "Welcome to School" is Volume 13 from their first Signing Time series, and you can get it for free by entering your name and email here: http://www.signingtime.com/free-video/

One of the best things about this video is it has the ABCs at the end after the credits (which is how Ellie learned her ABCs before she was two!).  And even while Ellie was still one, we used a ton of signs from this video--like CRAYONS, PAPER, CHAIR, TABLE, NAME, PAY ATTENTION (when I would say, "Look at mama's eyes"), QUIET, READ, REST, PAINT, DRAW, and so many more!  Plus I love the song, "Hello Backpack." :)

Hope you'll enjoy it as much as we have!!

Secondary Infertility

Not knowing and having to wait for answers has got to be one of the toughest things in life.  Can I get an amen??  I still remember being in the NICU, holding our full-term baby Ellie all hooked up to monitors and an IV, waiting to find out what on earth was going on.  It was heart-wrenching.

Similarly, one of the hardest things for me about navigating this infertility road has been not knowing WHY we couldn't seem to get pregnant.  The first time I'd heard the term "secondary infertility" was in the comment section of a favorite blogger's post about her journey to getting pregnant.  I have to say, it FREAKED me out.  My husband and I had just had a miscarriage and I was still healing before we could try again.  And all of a sudden I was terror-stricken that we weren't going to be able to have another baby.

The Lord gently reminded me that in Him there is no fear, and I'm so glad He pushed that aside so I wasn't daily living in that fear (I swear I think it would've crippled me).

The good that came from that was it corrected something I was mistaken about--that it gets easier to get pregnant each time.  I don't know why I thought that.  Maybe I'd heard so many instances of that after it took us a bit of time to get pregnant with our daughter, Ellie.  I hoped for that ease for sure.  So learning about this thing called "secondary infertility" helped me realize that that wasn't necessarily the case.

For those wondering--secondary infertility is basically where you've successfully had a baby before (without fertility treatment), and now you're either not able to get pregnant again on your own, or you keep miscarrying.

I gave it a year, knowing that it could take a year for even a young, healthy couple to get pregnant.  I even gave it a little more time, thinking it was bound to happen soon.  Right?  It had to happen soon... Okay, any day now... No, still not happening?  My husband had just changed jobs and we hadn't figured out our new insurance yet.  But with each negative pregnancy test I started to feel like something must be up.

My husband and I went through every thought in the book--maybe it was because of a new medication I was taking.  Maybe something had gone wrong from the miscarriage and emergency D&C.  Oh look, this website says to stay away from hot tubs and boxer briefs.  This one says to take these supplements.  Okay so that should help.  Still nothing.  I thought it had to be me.  He thought it must be him.  Maybe my tubes had become blocked.  I even wondered if this was going to be God's way of alerting us to some bigger health scare that was going on.

It was horrible not knowing.  I was finally able to schedule an appointment with a general practitioner who would then refer me to an OB, and I started down the road of physicals and blood tests, etc.  David got good news on his end so we kept wondering what it could be.

My referral for an OB took longer than we thought, and then a mishap with the referral letter and a new insurance number prevented me from being seen.  (Oh the tears of frustration that day!)  The new referral letter came, and I was disappointed to see it was for an entirely different doctor's office. (I'd already filled out paperwork, etc. and had an appointment ready to go at the first one.)

But what do you know, it was for a fertility specialist.  Hey!  That might be even better! I thought, and called to schedule an appointment right away.  (This was in February of this year--2015.)  The cheerful voice that greeted me asked if I'd be available Monday, June 15th at 1:30pm.  Inside my heart sunk, but I quickly picked my jaw up off the floor and said, "Yes, that should be fine."  (Haha, as far as I knew I didn't have any plans for FOUR MONTHS OUT.)  I tried to stay optimistic.  Maybe by June we'll know what problems we're up against and may need the fertility specialist!  "Would you like to be called if anything earlier opens up?" the receptionist asked.  "Sure, that'd be great!" I answered.

Y'all... that very week she called me back with an opening for the following Monday.

I couldn't believe it!  Thank you, Lord!! I laughed and was so excited.  Until I opened my email with the paperwork and saw how much the initial consultation was... $$$  Cue heart sinking again.

Soon I was able to get a hold of our insurance provider to ask what coverage (if any) we might have to see a fertility specialist.  And what do you know--thank you husband's job--the consultation was covered!  Lab work, ultrasounds, appointments, medications--everything for testing and diagnosing had a very reasonable copay, and the only thing we'd be up against was if we needed treatment.  I was so surprised and thankful.

And after that glorious first consultation with our fertility doctor, the best way to describe how I felt, was I could finally breathe. *big exhale.*

I finally saw potential for a light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't have to keep assertively trying to schedule appointments at different places and press doctors to tell us the next step we should take.  We might actually find out answers soon. (!!)  There was more hope than ever before that a baby could be in our future after all, and we were relieved to be in such good hands.  We're so thankful the Lord led us to this doctor!

It's been a few months now of routine appointments--so much so that Ellie has gotten the drill down pat (where to get her lollipop, where to stamp our parking pass, etc. haha).  With each test we've done, we've anxiously awaited the results, and with relief (mixed with confusion) we've continuously gotten good results.  Which is great and all--but the doctor knew if we found a problem, she could fix it.  We were starting to feel discouraged (or mostly confused) again, until the day we did our post coital test.   (Sounds so scientific huh?!)

Well... it's with great relief that I can FINALLY say we have figured out at least one of the contributing causes for our infertility.  And it's not as scary as I thought!  It's even something that can change over time (which is why we were able to get pregnant before--and who knows, maybe things will go completely normally for future kiddos.)  But for now, it's looking like IUI (intra-uterine insemination) will hopefully be a great treatment for us.  That was a relief for David to hear, too, as it's MUCH more affordable than IVF.  So hopefully this will be what God uses to grow our family!!

So there you have it... our journey to--first realizing we're facing secondary infertility--to then navigating it, and finding our first steps in hopefully beating it.

We know it can take several times doing IUI before it could potentially work for us (and obviously there's no guarantee--there could be something else going on that we haven't come across yet).  But it feels amazing to know we're taking steps forward, and that there's actually a chance that I COULD be pregnant soon!  While I'm teetering between hopeful and realistic, I'm just beyond thankful that things are happening.  I'm incredibly thankful for our doctor.  I'm grateful to be walking this road with such supportive and prayerful friends and family.  And I'm just feeling ready to ride out this roller coaster to see where God leads us.

Hopefully it's to baby town!

If You Give a Former Teacher a Preschooler

If you give a former teacher a preschooler...
Chances are she's going to want to teach it...

And if she's going to teach it, she will need to make a curriculum plan.
She'll sit down with a cup of coffee, and start by pinning "The ABCs of How to Home Preschool" (#PNRL)

After getting bogged down by the bajillion preschool ideas on Pinterest, she'll need to take a break.
So she'll print the Homeschool Supply List, and focus on #1. Glue.  She can do glue.

She'll head to the nearest teacher supply store.

She'll probably faint from excitement at all the fresh school supplies and that new pencil smell.
She'll want to fill her cart with teddy bear counters and Do-a-Dot Markers, gallon sized paints and wooden pattern blocks.

When she brings home the new supplies, she'll realize she still needs to pick out the curriculum.
So she'll call her best friend/homeschool guru to ask which is the best.

Then she'll go online to order All About Reading and Handwriting Without Tears.
But they'll take 5-7 business days to arrive.

So she'll wander back onto Pinterest to scope out (read: get lost in) all the best homeschool preschool blogs.
She'll download 227 files in one day.

When the curriculum boxes are delivered, she'll tear through them like it's Christmas morning.
Holding the thick books labeled "Teacher's Manual" in her hands, the clouds will part, the angels will sing, and she'll know... she's arrived.

She'll want to run and put on the apple necklace her husband gave her when she first became a teacher.

On her way to her room she'll notice their tiny home and realize... crafts and sensory play were already starting to take over.
So she'll have to rearrange everything.

Mid-way into dumping the entire hall closet contents into the living room and getting learning materials somewhat situated in their new spots, she'll get inspired to start making the Letter of the Week packets she'd downloaded.

Before you know it, she'll be elbow deep in sheet protectors and low ink warnings, so she'll have to go to Walmart.
When she's at the store, she'll remember what another blogger said about a LAMINATING MACHINE (cue heart skipping a beat).

So she'll ask the store clerk if they carry them.  And if they do...
She'll decide it would be counterintuitive NOT to get one.

She'll probably want to try it out that same night.
"I'll just laminate one thing," she'll think.  "And then I'll go to bed."

But, being the night owl that she is, she'll get a second wind.
She'll need to print, cut, laminate, and cut again--FIVE WHOLE WEEKS of lessons.

She might even Mod Podge letters, hot-glue magnets to pom-poms, hole-punch lacing cards, and make play dough mats.

She'll be so excited that she'll want to set out the "T is for Turtle" activities for her preschooler to try in the morning.
She probably won't realize it's 2am.

After making 14 cute little learning stations, she'll happily step back to take a look.
But her eyes will spot all the laminating scraps, toys that had been left out, and some other things to put away.

She'll intend to do a quick tidy-up, but it will end up being a bit more in-depth.
When she's finally done, she'll feel ready to go to bed.  At 4...30...am.

The next morning, her preschooler will probably climb on her to wake her up at 7am.
She'll need to trudge to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee.

And chances are, her excited preschooler will jump right in ready to learn...
While she curls up on the couch with her coffee, relishing the joy of seeing her little one learn and grow before her eyes.

And she'll be SO thankful God gave her this little preschooler.

I'm doing it.

Friends can be so inspiring, can't they?

Heather really inspired me when she trained for and ran the Chicago marathon last year.  Carly inspired me when she did a 12-week fitness challenge complete with intense work-outs, healthy eating, and weekly video diaries.  And Katie inspired me when she did the Whole30 program in January.  (Her post at Lion Named Parker came at the perfect time!)

It's kind of funny how seeing pictures of yourself and then getting a surprising number on the scale can also inspire you--in a horrifying way. ;)  (Somehow I've gained 20 pounds recently, on top of the 10 I had been holding on to since having Ellie.)

Needless to say, I've been inspired... And I've been taking baby steps to getting more healthy.  But today I'm JUMPING in. :)

Today, I start the Whole30!  (You can read more about the Whole30 program here.) 

Basically I'm committing to eating mainly meats, veggies, and fruits for the next 30 days, and ommitting sugar, dairy, and grains (NOOOOOO!!!!!!  This is my hardest one... Even though God says we can't live on bread alone, I truly believe I could totally live off of the Word of God AND bread alone).

I wanted to share this process on the blog in an effort to stay accountable, and I decided to even share before and after pictures to keep me motivated (deep breath).  Part of me skeptically wonders how much this will really help with my weight, so I'm looking forward to being proven wrong.. :)

Here are yesterday's pics: (Don't mind the wet hair and no make-up! yikes) :)

As I've been working up my motivation to jump on this healthy food train, the main thing that's been hanging over me is the PLANNING.  They say that's the key--the meal planning and the grocery shopping.

Here's how I've been gearing up....

First I read through their 8-Step guide for newbies.  I was surprised how fun and easy to read it was.

I'm using these lists from the Whole30 site as a guide for groceries:

I'm following this Pinterest board (Stupid Easy Paleo-Whole30--it has about 18k followers!) and this Chowstalker one. 

And I'm following @whole30 on Instagram. (will use #bethanyswhole30)

Other than that, I've been wading through some of the recommended blogs that Whole30 suggests for recipes and meal plans.  One of my go-tos will probably be from Meatified--with their 30 Days of Whole30 Breakfasts, Lunches, and Dinners.

One last thought...

Last thing I want to mention is that I'm super thankful for the body God gave me--pear-shaped and all.  My main goal is to glorify Him as I learn how to eat healthier and exercise self-discipline.  Having a daughter keeps me really accountable to teaching her a positive self-image--frequently reminding her that she's created in God's image, that He made her and she is precious to Him, that she has a beautiful body... And since becoming a mom I've needed God to teach me to accept the changes from and marks of my pregnancies.  I've had to adjust to being several sizes for the first time, and becoming comfortable in my own skin at those various stages.  And while accepting that, I also want to strive to be as healthy as possible (especially in light of trying for another baby).  It's all about balance!  

So here we go.  I'm excited to let this retrain the way I think!  And I'm excited to see what new foods I learn to cook with and come to love.  

(And hey, if it gets me a little more photo-ready to be in my dear Rachel's wedding next month, then all the better.) ;)

Granny Annie's Spaghetti Pie

The way food can recall a memory is so amazing to me. I can take a bite of Rice Chex cereal with sliced bananas, and suddenly I'm back in my junior year of high school, it's 6:42 in the morning, and I'm having breakfast with my wonderful dad.

When I take a bite of this spaghetti pie, it's April 8, 2009. I'm in Boerne, Texas at one of my closest friend's houses just days before her wedding. Around the table are the rest of the girls that make up the Fab 5, and we're digging in to some of the best home cooking west of the Mississippi, thanks to the mother-of-the-bride.

I loved each savory bite so much so that I begged Kristen's momma for her recipe. She showed me how she had prepped extras for the freezer--ready to pop in the oven at a moment's notice for any guests who might be dropping by during "wedding week"--and shared what a great meal it was to bring to a neighbor or friend in need. (Talk about thoughtful and hospitable!)

She gladly went and scanned a copy of the recipe from her cookbook that I have kept to this very day (and have since made numerous copies of for friends). 

Take one bite of this dish--with its perfect spaghetti and parmesan "crust," its flavorful sage sausage that's cooked in a delicious tomato sauce, then its balanced layer of sour cream with sautéed bell peppers and onions, and of course the oozing mozzarella cheese--and you will be sold.

I was so eager to share Ann's dish with my peanut and tell her about Granny Annie's spaghetti pie. We had such a sweet time making it together, and this mom was THRILLED that it got her eating veggies and meat. She loved every bite of it, and I'm sure Kristen's baby girl, Anna (Ann's namesake!), will love it just as much when she gets bigger.

Someday you may be able to throw your arms around Ann and thank her for one of the tastiest comfort foods ever when you join her in heaven... Until then, get to know the sweet, warm, wonderful momma and grandma that she was through making this special dish for your loved ones.

Granny Annie's Spaghetti Pie
From the Loving Kitchen of Ann Smith

8 oz. spaghetti
2 eggs
1/4 c. grated Parmesan cheese
2 Tbsp. margarine
1/2 c. chopped green bell pepper
1/3 c. chopped onion
1 c. sour cream (preferably room temp)
1 lb. sage seasoned sausage
1 c. water
6 oz. can tomato paste
4 oz. sliced Mozzarella cheese

NOTE: The gist of the layers will be:
1) Spaghetti mixture
2) Sour cream w/ veggies
3) Meat in sauce
4) After baking, cheese (then bake to melt)

Heat oven to 350 degrees and set out the sour cream to bring to room temp. Break spaghetti in half and cook in salted water until barely tender; drain (or you can use up that leftover spaghetti!). Beat eggs. (Ellie loves doing this for me! I ask her to keep the fork touching the bottom of the bowl when stirring, and to keep the fork in/just above the bowl when she pokes the yolks and lifts them to break them up.)

Add Parmesan cheese (I usually use the green canister one) and toss with warm spaghetti. [See earlier pic of Ellie holding recipe.] Put spaghetti mixture in greased 10-inch pie pan.

Melt margarine in medium skillet; add green pepper and onion. Sauté for 5 to 7 minutes. Do not brown. 

Add sour cream to vegetables; mix and spoon over spaghetti. 

Cook sausage; drain off grease. 

Add to sausage, the tomato paste mixed with water (I usually do this in my liquid measuring cup. I fill it with water first and then dump in the tomato paste and stir with a fork.

Simmer for 10 minutes and then spoon over sour cream mixture.

Bake for 25 minutes at 350.

Then cut cheese into strips and arrange over top. (Try to cover the whole pie with cheese. I start with the slices that come out nice and whole and then fill in the gaps with smaller slices.)

Return to oven for 3 to 4 minutes, until cheese is melted.

Mmmmm delicious... It also makes wonderful leftovers (if there is any!!)

Time.

I've always wondered when life won't feel so busy.  I think the answer is.. never.

So I've just decided to accept it.

Something I know will forever be a challenge of mine is TIME.  Being productive, not procrastinating, managing time well... all of the above.

With that, I know that the best way to keep myself on track is to have schedules.  I wrote about how David and I look over our weekly calendar on my "Your Life on Your Fridge" post here.  That helps a lot with knowing the MUSTS for the week--like scheduled appointments, dinner plans with friends, birthday parties, etc.

But what about all the other million things I need or want to get done in between those MUSTS?

This week I'm tackling some to do list goals by scheduling them into each day.  Things like washing our pillows.  Cleaning out the car.  Or finishing our Christmas letter (gulp.)

I like to think about goals in terms of "things I can get done in the morning with Ellie," and "things I want to focus on during nap time/at night after E's down."

If I set an actual time for something, that goes even better because I have a way to gauge how I'm doing with my day--just check it against the clock.  When time starts to get away from me, the schedule can pull me back and keep me on track.

Keep in mind, these are things that work with my struggle to stay on task.  This wouldn't be good to do if it leads to feeling pressured or constricted by the time.  I keep it flexible for myself--looking at it like it's approximate--and if I don't get something done one day, no worries--I just look and see where it can fit another day.  The idea is to intentionally take that time to look and plan how or when to get something done.

Quick example--I've noticed how much I struggle with replying to emails.  So that means I need to schedule a time that's uninterrupted to do that each day.  Like the morning before Ellie gets up.

To find time slots where I can fit things into each day, I decided to break down a typical day.  With this "template," I'll be able to find places to put things in, like "buy birthday gift," or "order pictures online," or "plan week's meals."

Here's the break-down of Ellie's and my typical day that helps me stay on track...

Ellies & Mommy's Day
6am - get up before Ellie to have coffee and some time to journal, read God's word, and talk to Jesus :)
6:30am - check emails and reply to two
7am - get dressed, brush teeth, wash face, contacts (while E eats cheerios and a banana on my bed with a show)
7:30am - get E dressed (potty, put pjs away, put laundry I did night before away in her closet)
8am - make breakfast
8:15am - Brekkie (do E's hair while she's still eating)
9am - wash breakfast dishes, empty dishwasher (put on music or a show on laptop to enjoy the time!)
9:30am - start load of laundry, tidy a bit
10am - Snack time for E while I do some sort of exercise (Pilates, cardio, or weights)
10:45am - E's rest time - put on a show (Signing Time) :)
11am - make lunch
11:30am - Lunch
12pm - craft or activity
12:45pm - E clean up toys                                                                                                  
1pm - Nap time (switch over laundry to dryer or hang dry)
1:15pm - my coffee and bagel time; read blogs; watch a show; browse Instagram
2pm - Work/prep for the week's Little Sign of Mine class
3pm - snack and craft or activity once Peanut's awake
4:30pm - put on a show for E so I can cook dinner
5:30 or 6pm - Dinner (take vitamins)  Then clear dishes together, put food away; E plays till bath (needs to put away toys before bath)
6:45pm - bath time
7:15pm - get E ready for bed
8pm - Bedtime for E

So there you have it.  It may not look loose, but it's fairly loose so I can have time for other things, too.  I also like to be ready to scrap things if a friend calls and wants to go to the park. :)

What next?  I have this schedule written down in a notebook on the left--and on the right I'm listing the things I hope to get done this week.  Then I'm going to go to the week's calendar on the fridge and jot down what days (and what time of days) I'd like to do each thing.

Do you have some tricks to helping you get things done?  How do you organize your time?  I'd love to hear!

Here's to a productive week!  Happy Monday. :)

Nude Pumps, Flats, & Wedges

My feet grew a 1/2 inch from my pregnancy with Ellie, so I've been trying to slowly get a couple pairs of shoes back in my wardrobe.  Starting with some nudes.

Nude shoes are the perfect accessory for almost any outfit.  You really can't go wrong with them.  They're a secret weapon in elongating your legs.  The key to finding just the right pair is matching it to your skin tone.

Suede and patent leather options give some diversity in styling your look.  Suede can be more casual (although keep in mind they're tricky to keep clean).  Patent gives a dressier, classic touch.

Below are some recent nudes I came across that I liked (though I haven't tried all of them on, so I can't vouch for comfort).

I purchased the gold-toed flats from LOFT (#6) and absolutely have loved them.  Comfortable with a fun touch makes them my easy go-to flat.

I also snagged the suede Express wedges (#7)--my first heels since having Peanut!--and have loved how they go with everything from a dress to skinny jeans.  (They're no longer available but I found a similar pair at Target.)

The ankle flats from Old Navy (#4), I picked up in blue--but I would've loved to grab them in their Clay Mate and Raspberry Twist as well!  They're on such an amazing sale right now I still might!  I like that the ankle strap can be slipped off or you can keep it on.

1. BCBG $59.95 | 2. Sam & Libby Dominique $39.99 | 3. Merona $29.99 | 4. Old Navy $14.97 ($11.98 with code EXTRA today) | 5. J.Crew Factory $79.50 | 6. LOFT $39.99 | 7. Express (no longer available)

Grieving, Fear, & Hope

I feel like these three things (grieving, fear, and hope) have had a hold on my heart like a three-man tug-of-war since Sept. 4, 2012, the day we found out we had lost our baby.  I've weighed whether or not I would share about this on the blog... and how much to share, or when to share it...

I've never really been one for hiding things or being guarded.  Probably because I've experienced so much grace and strength whenever I've been vulnerable.

It's probably just that I've had this expectation that I would be telling about this on the other side of things.  Kind of like a "bad-news-but-wait-here's-the-good-news" kind of thing.  So I've been waiting... and waiting... in anguish... and after waiting some more, I figure it's just time.

Okay here goes... When David and I got married in 2007, I remember wondering how our family would grow.  I had no reason to doubt, but I wondered if I'd be able to have a baby.  I mean, you never really know till you know, right?  I wondered if it'd take us a long time to get pregnant.  I feared that we'd miscarry our first--or even worse that we'd have several miscarriages.  I wondered if we'd have some kids of our own, and then maybe adopt a little one, too.

Then I got hit with baby fever after we'd been married about two years.  David didn't feel ready yet, so I (tried) to wait patiently for him to get on board.  And I still remember how excited I was when I found little baby socks at the bottom of my Christmas stocking in 2010--his way of telling me he was ready.  (I still have the notes and the necklace he tucked inside them.)  Precious, right?

Well it was seven looong months of trying before we became pregnant with our precious and spunky Elizabeth Joy.  Ellie is 2 1/2 years old now, and man was she worth waiting for.  I knew God had a little baby planned just for our family, and I tried to console myself during the days, weeks, and months of waiting with just that--that I wanted the baby HE had for us, even if that meant having to wait for His perfect timing.

See what I mean?? :)  Our joy...

Then, having grown up the youngest of three girls with about a two year age difference between each of us, I crossed my fingers for the two year age gap.

So we were beyond thrilled when, on July 22, 2012, we saw the positive lines on the test--after having just decided the month before to try!  We were on cloud nine, dancing around singing "two years apart, woot woot!!" We kept exclaiming to each other--that day and for days after--"Are we really doing this again?  Wow, here we go.  We're really doing this..."

Driving up to the hospital where we had Ellie was so surreal and exciting--to get to be going through something so special together again...  Then hearing that little heartbeat made it that much more real and wonderful.  We were even celebrating our five-year anniversary just a couple weeks later, so we got to enjoy a bit of a "baby moon" on our weekend cruise.

After seeing sweet baby #2 for the first time.

Ohhh, but how quickly things turned upside down at our ten-week ultrasound... I can't even describe the numbness and shock that took over when I heard our nurse-midwife say she wasn't seeing a heartbeat.  No matter how much I'd known it could happen--feared it would happen--or prayed against it happening during that first trimester--it had happened.

We lost our baby.  And for those who have gone through this, you know what I mean when I say that I lost a bit of my heart that day, too.  A part of me that just can't be filled till I see my son or daughter in heaven someday...

The grief overtook us, especially after the traumatic miscarriage itself (which took place a couple weeks later and is a whole other story).  The finality of it all burned... There had been some moments between the doctor's visit and the actual miscarriage where our hearts started to mess with us.  Still protecting the little one within me and having no physical signs of miscarriage, we hoped there had been a mistake.  That the radiology tech had been wrong.  That our little one still was in there healthy as can be...

But seeing and holding that little 9 week and 5 day old baby... whew... Counting his ten fingers that would never clasp my hands...  Looking into those eyes and wondering what color they would have been... Then together with David burying our little one with a note from his mommy and daddy in a special place, and having to walk away...  The meager hope had been indefinitely shattered.  There was a hollowness in its place.

But God gently gave us renewed hope.  I held on to a verse a good friend helped us see (2 Sam 12:23), believing we would get to see our Pistachio again someday.  [Ellie was our Peanut, so David had jokingly referred to our second baby as Pistachio.]  And I thought back to the time my mentor and close friend had lost her baby years before.  We'd always said, looking back, that if they hadn't gone through that miscarriage we wouldn't have our precious Isabella, whom she became pregnant with just a couple months after.

I clung to that hope--imagining that we would become pregnant with our third baby soon and that I'd be able to look back with somewhat of a mended heart knowing that we wouldn't have received the blessing to know our third child without suffering the loss of the other. (Does that make any sense?  I know it sounds kind of weird.  It certainly doesn't lighten the pain in any way, and of course this is only with the truth in mind that we would still know our heavenly baby someday.)

But along this journey of grief, that hope has had to change.  March 30, 2013 came and went--the day our Pistachio was due--and there was no new life.  No consolation to the timing of our lost little one.  And the pain just seared...  I had really thought I would be pregnant by then.  I had hoped for it all throughout those tragic 40 weeks that would've been Pistachio's full term..  But I was kept in a season of waiting.

Baking is good for the soul... I made these Pistachio cupcakes to commemorate what would've been our baby's birth-day.

Backing up a bit, if you asked me the month after our miscarriage how we were doing, you'd probably be surprised to hear that though we were utterly heartbroken, we weren't devastated.  And I think that was because of the strong sense of hope we felt amidst the grief, as well as the the firm trust we had in God's sovereignty and His ability to redeem, and definitely the gratitude that we held for our Ellie.  The fact that we were still parents, and that at least that wasn't lost, kept me afloat.  (I almost felt like I wasn't allowed to be as devastated as couples who miscarried their first.  I felt for their pain more than ever before.)

But now?  Having lost our baby 16 months ago...  And still not being pregnant.  Oh man is it devastating.  Seeing that temperature drop again yesterday morning, confirming that my cycle is again on its way rather than the longed-for positive pregnancy test...  It crushes me more than I can say.  WAY more.  More than I even try to let it--because I have that HOPE coursing through me and that ultimate belief that GOD KNOWS.  He knows how ginormous this desire of my heart is, and He loves me SO dearly.  He is sovereign and GOOD and faithful in His promises.  He is so deserving of my trust as He carries me through this painful time.  He is ready and willing to take every single worry and fear from me and let me rest in His peace.  He has a plan for our family, and it is good.  I know this with all my heart.

Then how can I still fear that we won't be able to have our own baby again?  How can I still lose heart, no matter HOW many months go by where I find out I'm not pregnant again and am hit with yet another blow as though I'm miscarrying another baby?  I have seen Him bring children to couples who were told they most likely wouldn't ever be able to conceive.  I have known four beautiful friends who have lost little ones around the same time as me who have gone on to become pregnant, and two of these have even given birth to their precious girls already.

I know that hope in Him is stronger than my heaviest fear.  That He can comfort me in my grief and will one day reunite me with my little baby, where we'll be Home--where there is no death or tears or pain.

But man, that tug of war lives on.  This time of waiting is excruciating.  I miss our little baby like nothing else...

So with each month, each week, each day... I find myself surrendering my grief that I'm not yet pregnant, releasing my fears, and asking Him to replace those things with HOPE and TRUST... in His good and perfect will.  But oh man is it a daily battle...

Your Life on Your Fridge

Is there anything better than lists?  I know we may joke a bunch about To Do list obsessions, and how we love to add something we've already done just so we can cross another item off the list...

But I really think that--having been made in God's image--there's a peace about having order... about being thoughtful and intentional with my time... and about being a productive creation.  When I'm lazy or scattered, I just gotta know that that's not included in the abundant life God has for me.

I also think it's super important to remember I've been given these 24 hours each day as a gift.  And when I'm truly abiding/remaining in Him, that means listening to His voice while doing my list-making.  Asking, "Lord, what do you have for me today?" makes such a difference.

So often I think of how Jesus stopped (on his way to helping a dying young girl), so that He could speak with the woman who faithfully touched him as He walked by, knowing she could be healed.  Yes, He could get away with such interruptions a lot easier than we can--He is God after all.  But still, it always inspires me to be aware of others and of situations around me that God doesn't want me to miss amidst "my plans."


Anyway, all this to say, I love my lists.  Lists of meals for the week... organized grocery lists... store-specific lists (Trader Joe's, Costco, Target, etc.), to-do lists, packing for trips lists, you name it.

Or more appropriately--I NEED my lists.

Because--and truly I tell you this--after having my precious Ellie Joy, my brain completely flew out the window.

Please say you know what I'm talking about.  My brain literally is just gone.  How else could I feel SO SCATTERED??  My brain can't process things like I used to (and especially can't REMEMBER things for the life of me), without visually seeing it or understanding it in some sort of visual way.

I mean, driving directions for instance...  Yikes!! (Especially having to REVERSE them to go home?!?) Although I have figured out now that if I sign the directions to myself (in sign language), I will totally remember them!  Isn't that crazy?  Goes to show how much sign language improves vocabulary as well as memory. :)

So with this list-and-organization-necessity in my life, I've finally found a system I really like.  It's on my fridge, all together, and it's glorious.  The star of the show has been this pen holder (find here at Walmart). It comes with a sticky, but I just cut a strip of magnet to put on the back so it's not stuck in one spot for good.

For monthly calendars (below on left) and weekly calendars ( below on right) I just print out Google's calendar.  I make sure to print several at a time and just have them in a stack so I can easily flip to the next one.

For the weekly calendar, David and I try to take a look at it together (Sunday night works great), and he gives me a heads up on what his week looks like at work.  I jot down what time he thinks he'll make it home, and that has helped us a lot.  It's also a good time to talk about our plans in general and get on the same page so we can tackle the week.

The weekly calendar is also perfect for noting the week's FlyLady Zone at the bottom (this week is the bathroom and one extra room), and I put the day's focus in the top space for each day (Wed. Planning Day, Thurs Errand Day, etc...)

For my lists, I love getting the simple magnet kind that you can find in the dollar bin at Target, Jo-Ann's, Michaels, etc.  Often they have one with the days of the week (see first list above), where I can easily jot the meal plan down (WHEN I actually meal plan.  that's another thing on my list of goals).  The blue magnet on the left of the meal plan list is there to hold my recipe cards and printouts so all the week's recipes are easily accessible.

My favorite grocery list has been this yellow chevron one (below).  I love that when I get to the store, it's already organized for me and I don't have to walk back and forth a billion times (just a dozen), or strain my non-existent brain. ;)  It's super helpful with being efficient when shopping with a restless toddler...  (I had the link for this, but it's not working.  Will try to upload the pdf later.)

The third note pad is just a blank one, where I write my Target list and my Costco list.  This helps so much when I'm thinking of something I need to remember to get next time I go.  If I ever think to myself, "Oh, I don't need to write it down, I'll remember," I'm WRONG.  Haha... (I also use Siri to help me remember things--"Remind me when I arrive at Target to get fruit pouches."--just make sure you have the store's address in your contacts and you're good to go!)

The last note pad is my favorite To Do list.  I just love how long it is and how thin the lines are.  There's plenty of room to even use it for the week.  You should be able to find it at your Dollar Tree.

Do you have a system that works for you?  Do you use your phone or paper?  Would love any tips--especially on keeping coupons handy.

Update: I don't know how I forgot one of my favorite and life-saving lists!  It's called the "What's in Our Fridge" list.

When we buy veggies, I list them on there.  When we put leftovers away, I write it on there.  When I open the sour cream, it goes on the list.  The deli meat or hot dogs, same thing (good for 7 days once opened).  That way we remember what we have in the fridge to use before it goes bad.  Because again, as much as I think I'll remember, I WON'T. :)

Shining Your Sink 101

When I did FlyLady's BabyStep #1 (written about in this post), and gave my sink the DEEP shine today, I snapped some pictures to share what the step-by-step process looks like.  So here's the new and improved steps to shining your sink!  And then I promise this will be the last I post about it... for a bit. :)

Have you shined your sink yet?  If not, jump in and do it today!  (Not gonna lie, it did take me all of Ellie's 2 hr. naptime, and beyond!  The dishes took some time to clean up, and then the hour long soak gets ya... So maybe an hour before you plan to work on it, have the bleach soaking already so you're ready to go!)

Okay, want to see my Before shot?

Time to take a deep breath, put on those cute cleaning gloves that make you smile, (and a cheesy Christmas movie on Netflix, like A Christmas Kiss), and dive in.

FlyLady's Shiny Sink 101:
(From www.flylay.net | FlyLady's words are purple; my words black)

Note: Be sure to rinse well between each step!

And remember, You only follow this procedure the first time you shine your sink. You do NOT need to follow this method every day. Just keep up the shine with a little window cleaner.

First, start by gathering your supplies: paper towels or rags, your sink plugs, bleach, tongs, 1 c. measuring cup, cleaning gloves (I like to have one pair for dishes and a separate pair for cleaning), a powder cleaner like Comet or Ajax, a sponge, toothbrush, butter knife, Windex--or your favorite countertop cleaner (I love Target's Caldrea line--check if your store carries it!), and finally, lemon Plinks (little scent balls for dish disposal--often found hanging in cleaning aisle of grocery stores).  Oh, and not pictured above but VERY important: a good hand lotion--cause oh boy can cleaning dry out those hands!  Here's my fave that you can find at Target.  It smells heavenly!   

Pink Innocencia Body Butter by Sonia Kashuk  |  $10.99 at Target

Step 1) Take all the dishes out of the sink. (I washed and put in dish washer.  This was probably the better chunk of the cleaning time come to think of it.  And side note, do you have gloves that make you smile?  I haven't always worn gloves to do dishes or clean, but it makes it more fun now that I have cute ones!)

2) Run some very hot water into the sink and fill it to the rim. If you have a two-sided sink, only do one side at a time. (I kind of have no idea why this is, but I followed FlyLady's directions.  Definitely took longer, but I was able to do subsequent steps on one side while the other side soaked.) Then, pour a cup of household bleach into the hot water. (I have a yucky cup that I use just for this reason.  It feels funny to me to use a cup I bake with for bleach.  Just me?)  Let it sit for one hour. Now, pull the plug with a pair of tongs. If you don’t have tongs, then scoop some of the water out of the sink into the other sink and use your hand to pull the plug. Make sure you wear gloves so the bleach doesn’t irritate your skin, and don’t get the bleach water on your clothes.

Step 3) Rinse your sink well. I scrubbed the residue well with the scratchy side of a sponge.

Step 4) Use some powdered cleanser (Comet, Ajax, or baking soda) and scrub your sink.

Before sprinkling the Comet, I splashed water around to dampen everything.  Then after sprinkling it all over I let it sit for 5 minutes.  This scrubbing here is what gives your sink its shine, so make sure you scrub really well.  And of course, be sure to rinse ALL of the cleanser from the sink.

Step 5) Take a sharp edge, such as a butter knife, and clean around the rim of the sink, just like you would clean dirt out from under your fingernails.  I found the butter knife worked great!  I've also seen my mom use a small spoon turned over to scrape off the gunk.  I mainly just scratched back and forth along the groove with the knife, because I noticed it could scratch the counter if I tried to go bigger than that.

Step 6) Clean around the faucets. You may need an old toothbrush or dental floss.  I didn't use the floss since the toothbrush did the truck.  I wonder how the floss would go over though!

 

Here is half of the scum behind the faucet scraped off!  Made such a difference in the overall look of the sink. 

Step 7) Now, get out your window cleaner; I use Windex. Give it a good shine.  I've liked this new scent by Windex in Lavender and Peach Blossom.  It still smells like a cleaner, but I feel like it's a bit more pleasant.  I just sprayed it all over and used a paper towel to buff it really well.  And then I stood back to admire the SPARKLE! :)



K, now let's remind ourselves what my sink looked like BEFORE...

Aaaaaand, TA DA!!!!!!!!!!  My shiny sink!!!  It's amazing how a clean, shiny sink is contagious--it spreads its cleanliness to the kitchen counters, and then before you know it, your whole house is clean. :D

Step 8) If you still don’t like the way it looks, then you can try some car wax. Just know in your heart that you have cleaned it very well now, and it doesn’t have to be perfect. Our perfectionism is what got us in this situation in the first place!

Step 9) Every time you run water in your sink, take your clean dishtowel and dry it out (I lay out a clean one every night as part of my before-bed routine). Before you know it, you will be doing this every time you leave your kitchen! The rest of the family will, too. No more water spots. You will have a clean and shiny sink.

Step 10) Don’t have a fit if someone doesn’t take as much pride in your sink as you do. It is very easy to fix. You have already done the hard part; you will never have to go through this process again. Daily maintenance will keep it looking this way all the time. Nasty, hurtful words are not as easy to repair. Just be sure and tell your family what you are trying to do. They will think you have gone crazy.

Step 11) If you don’t have a dishwasher, don’t worry. A dishwasher is just a dirty dish disposal. Clean out a place under your sink and put a dishpan in there. Teach your family that instead of putting their dirty dishes and glasses in the sink, place them into the dish pan. Get into the habit of putting your dishes away as soon as they have been washed and are dry. No more leaving the dish-drying rack on the counter or in the sink. Put it away under the sink when you have finished. If your old one is nasty, you may want to soak it in the sink full of bleach water at the same time you soak the sink, or go buy a new set.

Step 12) To insure that your family remembers this, put a note in the sink. It will get their attention and remind them where to put the dishes. Be patient! They have never been taught, either. It is going to take some practice.

Now if you have a stainless steel sink, I recommend all of the above directions with one extra instruction added: after you soak your sink, rinse well, and use SOS pads to scrub it. This will buff the finish. It will look like new.  (S.O.S. Steel Wool Pads)



If you still can’t get it to shine after the Windex, put a light coat of lemon oil or olive oil on it. I mean just a tiny bit on a cloth and rub it. This will make you smile. Some people have had very good results from Bar Keepers Friend.

Go Shine Your Sink!
FlyLady

Last note: Be sure you don’t mix cleansers like Comet with Windex (or other ammonia based cleaners); you can create dangerous gases! It is worth repeating: rinse well between each step!