Secondary Infertility

Not knowing and having to wait for answers has got to be one of the toughest things in life.  Can I get an amen??  I still remember being in the NICU, holding our full-term baby Ellie all hooked up to monitors and an IV, waiting to find out what on earth was going on.  It was heart-wrenching.

Similarly, one of the hardest things for me about navigating this infertility road has been not knowing WHY we couldn't seem to get pregnant.  The first time I'd heard the term "secondary infertility" was in the comment section of a favorite blogger's post about her journey to getting pregnant.  I have to say, it FREAKED me out.  My husband and I had just had a miscarriage and I was still healing before we could try again.  And all of a sudden I was terror-stricken that we weren't going to be able to have another baby.

The Lord gently reminded me that in Him there is no fear, and I'm so glad He pushed that aside so I wasn't daily living in that fear (I swear I think it would've crippled me).

The good that came from that was it corrected something I was mistaken about--that it gets easier to get pregnant each time.  I don't know why I thought that.  Maybe I'd heard so many instances of that after it took us a bit of time to get pregnant with our daughter, Ellie.  I hoped for that ease for sure.  So learning about this thing called "secondary infertility" helped me realize that that wasn't necessarily the case.

For those wondering--secondary infertility is basically where you've successfully had a baby before (without fertility treatment), and now you're either not able to get pregnant again on your own, or you keep miscarrying.

I gave it a year, knowing that it could take a year for even a young, healthy couple to get pregnant.  I even gave it a little more time, thinking it was bound to happen soon.  Right?  It had to happen soon... Okay, any day now... No, still not happening?  My husband had just changed jobs and we hadn't figured out our new insurance yet.  But with each negative pregnancy test I started to feel like something must be up.

My husband and I went through every thought in the book--maybe it was because of a new medication I was taking.  Maybe something had gone wrong from the miscarriage and emergency D&C.  Oh look, this website says to stay away from hot tubs and boxer briefs.  This one says to take these supplements.  Okay so that should help.  Still nothing.  I thought it had to be me.  He thought it must be him.  Maybe my tubes had become blocked.  I even wondered if this was going to be God's way of alerting us to some bigger health scare that was going on.

It was horrible not knowing.  I was finally able to schedule an appointment with a general practitioner who would then refer me to an OB, and I started down the road of physicals and blood tests, etc.  David got good news on his end so we kept wondering what it could be.

My referral for an OB took longer than we thought, and then a mishap with the referral letter and a new insurance number prevented me from being seen.  (Oh the tears of frustration that day!)  The new referral letter came, and I was disappointed to see it was for an entirely different doctor's office. (I'd already filled out paperwork, etc. and had an appointment ready to go at the first one.)

But what do you know, it was for a fertility specialist.  Hey!  That might be even better! I thought, and called to schedule an appointment right away.  (This was in February of this year--2015.)  The cheerful voice that greeted me asked if I'd be available Monday, June 15th at 1:30pm.  Inside my heart sunk, but I quickly picked my jaw up off the floor and said, "Yes, that should be fine."  (Haha, as far as I knew I didn't have any plans for FOUR MONTHS OUT.)  I tried to stay optimistic.  Maybe by June we'll know what problems we're up against and may need the fertility specialist!  "Would you like to be called if anything earlier opens up?" the receptionist asked.  "Sure, that'd be great!" I answered.

Y'all... that very week she called me back with an opening for the following Monday.

I couldn't believe it!  Thank you, Lord!! I laughed and was so excited.  Until I opened my email with the paperwork and saw how much the initial consultation was... $$$  Cue heart sinking again.

Soon I was able to get a hold of our insurance provider to ask what coverage (if any) we might have to see a fertility specialist.  And what do you know--thank you husband's job--the consultation was covered!  Lab work, ultrasounds, appointments, medications--everything for testing and diagnosing had a very reasonable copay, and the only thing we'd be up against was if we needed treatment.  I was so surprised and thankful.

And after that glorious first consultation with our fertility doctor, the best way to describe how I felt, was I could finally breathe. *big exhale.*

I finally saw potential for a light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't have to keep assertively trying to schedule appointments at different places and press doctors to tell us the next step we should take.  We might actually find out answers soon. (!!)  There was more hope than ever before that a baby could be in our future after all, and we were relieved to be in such good hands.  We're so thankful the Lord led us to this doctor!

It's been a few months now of routine appointments--so much so that Ellie has gotten the drill down pat (where to get her lollipop, where to stamp our parking pass, etc. haha).  With each test we've done, we've anxiously awaited the results, and with relief (mixed with confusion) we've continuously gotten good results.  Which is great and all--but the doctor knew if we found a problem, she could fix it.  We were starting to feel discouraged (or mostly confused) again, until the day we did our post coital test.   (Sounds so scientific huh?!)

Well... it's with great relief that I can FINALLY say we have figured out at least one of the contributing causes for our infertility.  And it's not as scary as I thought!  It's even something that can change over time (which is why we were able to get pregnant before--and who knows, maybe things will go completely normally for future kiddos.)  But for now, it's looking like IUI (intra-uterine insemination) will hopefully be a great treatment for us.  That was a relief for David to hear, too, as it's MUCH more affordable than IVF.  So hopefully this will be what God uses to grow our family!!

So there you have it... our journey to--first realizing we're facing secondary infertility--to then navigating it, and finding our first steps in hopefully beating it.

We know it can take several times doing IUI before it could potentially work for us (and obviously there's no guarantee--there could be something else going on that we haven't come across yet).  But it feels amazing to know we're taking steps forward, and that there's actually a chance that I COULD be pregnant soon!  While I'm teetering between hopeful and realistic, I'm just beyond thankful that things are happening.  I'm incredibly thankful for our doctor.  I'm grateful to be walking this road with such supportive and prayerful friends and family.  And I'm just feeling ready to ride out this roller coaster to see where God leads us.

Hopefully it's to baby town!

Until then... {Growth}

Previous posts in this "series" from a little over a year ago: Until then... {Gratitude}  and  Until then... {Being Proactive}

It took a long time for me to say the words.  That my husband and I are struggling with infertility.  It felt so final, so heavy, and so scary--full of unknowns.  Up until then I was just saying it was "taking longer for us to get pregnant" this time around.  After all, we'd been able to get pregnant two times before.  So I wasn't "infertile," right??

Our little ones' "numbers" are etched in my head, because each one tells a story.

Ellie--7 months to conceive.  I remember not knowing if it was going to happen for us.  At the 6 month mark I finally let myself cry.  And that day became the one I wrote on all the paperwork for "Date of Last Period," giving us our due date for sweet little Peanut.

Pistachio--1 month.  I remember we had just decided in June 2012 that we were ready to start trying. Not knowing what it'd look like this time around, but hoping it didn't take as long.  We couldn't believe it happened on our first shot!  Ellie was 15 months when we found out--they were going to be a precious 23 months apart.  And then we lost our little one at 10 weeks.

And now--here we are at 26 months and counting... (with another negative yesterday)

Sometimes I can't believe it's been 3 years since our date at the Irvine Spectrum where we sat at the Wood Ranch Bar & Grill, and decided we were excited to start trying for a brother or sister for Ellie... I look at our spunky 4-year-old, ready to start pre-K in the fall, and I can't believe that still hasn't happened.  That there's going to be about a 5-year age gap (minimum) between her and her next sibling.  And my heart aches...

These are the hard things.  The monthly roller coaster of hoping and being disappointed.  The negative pregnancy tests.  The longing.  The sadness that comes when well-meaning people ask, "Is she your only one?"

But each month I also know God has a plan for our family.  I cling to the hope that He will be glorified through our family.  And each month I have seen God stretch me and grow me in ways I never would have without experiencing infertility.  I've learned things about God--our Father and Creator--that wouldn't have been nearly as meaningful.  I've been tested as a friend, and have learned more than ever how to truly rejoice with others, even amidst my own pain.  I've learned how to wait.  I've learned what a miracle life is.  I've learned how to not be in control.

This time is precious.  By recognizing my deep need for God each day as I struggle through infertility, I end up walking closer in step with Him than if things were going according to "my plan."  You better believe I can't wait for this trial to be over.  But I'm also strangely grateful that God has entrusted us with this painful journey.  It has shaped me in more ways than I even know.  And I pray that He'll continue to use this time to grow me into the friend, the wife, the woman, and the mom that He has called me to be.

If only growing pains didn't hurt so much... ;)

I'm doing it.

Friends can be so inspiring, can't they?

Heather really inspired me when she trained for and ran the Chicago marathon last year.  Carly inspired me when she did a 12-week fitness challenge complete with intense work-outs, healthy eating, and weekly video diaries.  And Katie inspired me when she did the Whole30 program in January.  (Her post at Lion Named Parker came at the perfect time!)

It's kind of funny how seeing pictures of yourself and then getting a surprising number on the scale can also inspire you--in a horrifying way. ;)  (Somehow I've gained 20 pounds recently, on top of the 10 I had been holding on to since having Ellie.)

Needless to say, I've been inspired... And I've been taking baby steps to getting more healthy.  But today I'm JUMPING in. :)

Today, I start the Whole30!  (You can read more about the Whole30 program here.) 

Basically I'm committing to eating mainly meats, veggies, and fruits for the next 30 days, and ommitting sugar, dairy, and grains (NOOOOOO!!!!!!  This is my hardest one... Even though God says we can't live on bread alone, I truly believe I could totally live off of the Word of God AND bread alone).

I wanted to share this process on the blog in an effort to stay accountable, and I decided to even share before and after pictures to keep me motivated (deep breath).  Part of me skeptically wonders how much this will really help with my weight, so I'm looking forward to being proven wrong.. :)

Here are yesterday's pics: (Don't mind the wet hair and no make-up! yikes) :)

As I've been working up my motivation to jump on this healthy food train, the main thing that's been hanging over me is the PLANNING.  They say that's the key--the meal planning and the grocery shopping.

Here's how I've been gearing up....

First I read through their 8-Step guide for newbies.  I was surprised how fun and easy to read it was.

I'm using these lists from the Whole30 site as a guide for groceries:

I'm following this Pinterest board (Stupid Easy Paleo-Whole30--it has about 18k followers!) and this Chowstalker one. 

And I'm following @whole30 on Instagram. (will use #bethanyswhole30)

Other than that, I've been wading through some of the recommended blogs that Whole30 suggests for recipes and meal plans.  One of my go-tos will probably be from Meatified--with their 30 Days of Whole30 Breakfasts, Lunches, and Dinners.

One last thought...

Last thing I want to mention is that I'm super thankful for the body God gave me--pear-shaped and all.  My main goal is to glorify Him as I learn how to eat healthier and exercise self-discipline.  Having a daughter keeps me really accountable to teaching her a positive self-image--frequently reminding her that she's created in God's image, that He made her and she is precious to Him, that she has a beautiful body... And since becoming a mom I've needed God to teach me to accept the changes from and marks of my pregnancies.  I've had to adjust to being several sizes for the first time, and becoming comfortable in my own skin at those various stages.  And while accepting that, I also want to strive to be as healthy as possible (especially in light of trying for another baby).  It's all about balance!  

So here we go.  I'm excited to let this retrain the way I think!  And I'm excited to see what new foods I learn to cook with and come to love.  

(And hey, if it gets me a little more photo-ready to be in my dear Rachel's wedding next month, then all the better.) ;)

Until then... {Gratitude}

My heart has been so filled with the kind responses I received from this post, (where I shared about grieving the loss of our baby and struggling to remain hopeful for another baby).  Thank you from the bottom of my heart...

When I'm trusting God, I have full confidence that He has another baby in store for our family.  And until then...  I'm finding helpful ways to keep myself proactive so I can endure the wait a little easier.   First is with gratitude--and in tomorrow's post I'll share the more practical things I'm doing to at least feel like I'm doing something toward growing our family.

(Keep in mind, the things below aren't helpful to use to try to comfort a friend who has lost a baby--saying things like, "At least ______," can be pretty painful.  Let her journey to find these things on her own...)

{Gratitude...}
-I'm cherishing this one-on-one time with my peanut.  Being able to invest solely in her right now is a gift I can give her each day.  I know I'll miss this time someday, and want to remember how special it is.

-I've just been extra thankful for Ellie's life in general, after losing our little pistachio reminded me how miraculous each and every life is.  Being a mom is something I hope to never take for granted.

-It means a lot to me that my husband and I are in this together.  There was a period where David wasn't ready to try again after the miscarriage (from wanting to pay the bill from the ER and the emergency D&C), and that was especially hard for me.  So now I'm just thankful to actually BE trying.  Knowing that he wants this baby (almost) as much as I do :) means a lot, and even seeing his discouragement each month helps because I feel like he gets it, and it validates the discouragement I feel.  We can also encourage each other, be hopeful together, and talk about the roller coaster we're on with empathy and understanding.

-My baby is with Jesus and his Papa.  I'm so grateful our little babies are embraced into God's arms in heaven.  Being assured that I'll get to see my son or daughter someday (2 Samuel 12:23) gives me so much hope and fills my heart with even more love for that little one.  It's like, "Mama's coming for you little one!" :)  And it also comforts my heart to know that amidst the pain of missing my dad and missing my little baby--they're together.  It aches my heart that my dad didn't meet or get to know my Ellie Joy, so there's almost a sweetness to knowing he does know one of my little children.  (Don't you just wonder how they know they're family?  How I'll know which one is my child when I get there?  Amazing...)

I've definitely experienced first-hand why God talks with us so much in the Bible about being thankful in all things, and coming to Him with thanksgiving, etc.  It really makes such a difference in my heart.

What are ways that you stay positive while waiting for a baby--or waiting for anything you're longing for??

Time.

I've always wondered when life won't feel so busy.  I think the answer is.. never.

So I've just decided to accept it.

Something I know will forever be a challenge of mine is TIME.  Being productive, not procrastinating, managing time well... all of the above.

With that, I know that the best way to keep myself on track is to have schedules.  I wrote about how David and I look over our weekly calendar on my "Your Life on Your Fridge" post here.  That helps a lot with knowing the MUSTS for the week--like scheduled appointments, dinner plans with friends, birthday parties, etc.

But what about all the other million things I need or want to get done in between those MUSTS?

This week I'm tackling some to do list goals by scheduling them into each day.  Things like washing our pillows.  Cleaning out the car.  Or finishing our Christmas letter (gulp.)

I like to think about goals in terms of "things I can get done in the morning with Ellie," and "things I want to focus on during nap time/at night after E's down."

If I set an actual time for something, that goes even better because I have a way to gauge how I'm doing with my day--just check it against the clock.  When time starts to get away from me, the schedule can pull me back and keep me on track.

Keep in mind, these are things that work with my struggle to stay on task.  This wouldn't be good to do if it leads to feeling pressured or constricted by the time.  I keep it flexible for myself--looking at it like it's approximate--and if I don't get something done one day, no worries--I just look and see where it can fit another day.  The idea is to intentionally take that time to look and plan how or when to get something done.

Quick example--I've noticed how much I struggle with replying to emails.  So that means I need to schedule a time that's uninterrupted to do that each day.  Like the morning before Ellie gets up.

To find time slots where I can fit things into each day, I decided to break down a typical day.  With this "template," I'll be able to find places to put things in, like "buy birthday gift," or "order pictures online," or "plan week's meals."

Here's the break-down of Ellie's and my typical day that helps me stay on track...

Ellies & Mommy's Day
6am - get up before Ellie to have coffee and some time to journal, read God's word, and talk to Jesus :)
6:30am - check emails and reply to two
7am - get dressed, brush teeth, wash face, contacts (while E eats cheerios and a banana on my bed with a show)
7:30am - get E dressed (potty, put pjs away, put laundry I did night before away in her closet)
8am - make breakfast
8:15am - Brekkie (do E's hair while she's still eating)
9am - wash breakfast dishes, empty dishwasher (put on music or a show on laptop to enjoy the time!)
9:30am - start load of laundry, tidy a bit
10am - Snack time for E while I do some sort of exercise (Pilates, cardio, or weights)
10:45am - E's rest time - put on a show (Signing Time) :)
11am - make lunch
11:30am - Lunch
12pm - craft or activity
12:45pm - E clean up toys                                                                                                  
1pm - Nap time (switch over laundry to dryer or hang dry)
1:15pm - my coffee and bagel time; read blogs; watch a show; browse Instagram
2pm - Work/prep for the week's Little Sign of Mine class
3pm - snack and craft or activity once Peanut's awake
4:30pm - put on a show for E so I can cook dinner
5:30 or 6pm - Dinner (take vitamins)  Then clear dishes together, put food away; E plays till bath (needs to put away toys before bath)
6:45pm - bath time
7:15pm - get E ready for bed
8pm - Bedtime for E

So there you have it.  It may not look loose, but it's fairly loose so I can have time for other things, too.  I also like to be ready to scrap things if a friend calls and wants to go to the park. :)

What next?  I have this schedule written down in a notebook on the left--and on the right I'm listing the things I hope to get done this week.  Then I'm going to go to the week's calendar on the fridge and jot down what days (and what time of days) I'd like to do each thing.

Do you have some tricks to helping you get things done?  How do you organize your time?  I'd love to hear!

Here's to a productive week!  Happy Monday. :)

Grieving, Fear, & Hope

I feel like these three things (grieving, fear, and hope) have had a hold on my heart like a three-man tug-of-war since Sept. 4, 2012, the day we found out we had lost our baby.  I've weighed whether or not I would share about this on the blog... and how much to share, or when to share it...

I've never really been one for hiding things or being guarded.  Probably because I've experienced so much grace and strength whenever I've been vulnerable.

It's probably just that I've had this expectation that I would be telling about this on the other side of things.  Kind of like a "bad-news-but-wait-here's-the-good-news" kind of thing.  So I've been waiting... and waiting... in anguish... and after waiting some more, I figure it's just time.

Okay here goes... When David and I got married in 2007, I remember wondering how our family would grow.  I had no reason to doubt, but I wondered if I'd be able to have a baby.  I mean, you never really know till you know, right?  I wondered if it'd take us a long time to get pregnant.  I feared that we'd miscarry our first--or even worse that we'd have several miscarriages.  I wondered if we'd have some kids of our own, and then maybe adopt a little one, too.

Then I got hit with baby fever after we'd been married about two years.  David didn't feel ready yet, so I (tried) to wait patiently for him to get on board.  And I still remember how excited I was when I found little baby socks at the bottom of my Christmas stocking in 2010--his way of telling me he was ready.  (I still have the notes and the necklace he tucked inside them.)  Precious, right?

Well it was seven looong months of trying before we became pregnant with our precious and spunky Elizabeth Joy.  Ellie is 2 1/2 years old now, and man was she worth waiting for.  I knew God had a little baby planned just for our family, and I tried to console myself during the days, weeks, and months of waiting with just that--that I wanted the baby HE had for us, even if that meant having to wait for His perfect timing.

See what I mean?? :)  Our joy...

Then, having grown up the youngest of three girls with about a two year age difference between each of us, I crossed my fingers for the two year age gap.

So we were beyond thrilled when, on July 22, 2012, we saw the positive lines on the test--after having just decided the month before to try!  We were on cloud nine, dancing around singing "two years apart, woot woot!!" We kept exclaiming to each other--that day and for days after--"Are we really doing this again?  Wow, here we go.  We're really doing this..."

Driving up to the hospital where we had Ellie was so surreal and exciting--to get to be going through something so special together again...  Then hearing that little heartbeat made it that much more real and wonderful.  We were even celebrating our five-year anniversary just a couple weeks later, so we got to enjoy a bit of a "baby moon" on our weekend cruise.

After seeing sweet baby #2 for the first time.

Ohhh, but how quickly things turned upside down at our ten-week ultrasound... I can't even describe the numbness and shock that took over when I heard our nurse-midwife say she wasn't seeing a heartbeat.  No matter how much I'd known it could happen--feared it would happen--or prayed against it happening during that first trimester--it had happened.

We lost our baby.  And for those who have gone through this, you know what I mean when I say that I lost a bit of my heart that day, too.  A part of me that just can't be filled till I see my son or daughter in heaven someday...

The grief overtook us, especially after the traumatic miscarriage itself (which took place a couple weeks later and is a whole other story).  The finality of it all burned... There had been some moments between the doctor's visit and the actual miscarriage where our hearts started to mess with us.  Still protecting the little one within me and having no physical signs of miscarriage, we hoped there had been a mistake.  That the radiology tech had been wrong.  That our little one still was in there healthy as can be...

But seeing and holding that little 9 week and 5 day old baby... whew... Counting his ten fingers that would never clasp my hands...  Looking into those eyes and wondering what color they would have been... Then together with David burying our little one with a note from his mommy and daddy in a special place, and having to walk away...  The meager hope had been indefinitely shattered.  There was a hollowness in its place.

But God gently gave us renewed hope.  I held on to a verse a good friend helped us see (2 Sam 12:23), believing we would get to see our Pistachio again someday.  [Ellie was our Peanut, so David had jokingly referred to our second baby as Pistachio.]  And I thought back to the time my mentor and close friend had lost her baby years before.  We'd always said, looking back, that if they hadn't gone through that miscarriage we wouldn't have our precious Isabella, whom she became pregnant with just a couple months after.

I clung to that hope--imagining that we would become pregnant with our third baby soon and that I'd be able to look back with somewhat of a mended heart knowing that we wouldn't have received the blessing to know our third child without suffering the loss of the other. (Does that make any sense?  I know it sounds kind of weird.  It certainly doesn't lighten the pain in any way, and of course this is only with the truth in mind that we would still know our heavenly baby someday.)

But along this journey of grief, that hope has had to change.  March 30, 2013 came and went--the day our Pistachio was due--and there was no new life.  No consolation to the timing of our lost little one.  And the pain just seared...  I had really thought I would be pregnant by then.  I had hoped for it all throughout those tragic 40 weeks that would've been Pistachio's full term..  But I was kept in a season of waiting.

Baking is good for the soul... I made these Pistachio cupcakes to commemorate what would've been our baby's birth-day.

Backing up a bit, if you asked me the month after our miscarriage how we were doing, you'd probably be surprised to hear that though we were utterly heartbroken, we weren't devastated.  And I think that was because of the strong sense of hope we felt amidst the grief, as well as the the firm trust we had in God's sovereignty and His ability to redeem, and definitely the gratitude that we held for our Ellie.  The fact that we were still parents, and that at least that wasn't lost, kept me afloat.  (I almost felt like I wasn't allowed to be as devastated as couples who miscarried their first.  I felt for their pain more than ever before.)

But now?  Having lost our baby 16 months ago...  And still not being pregnant.  Oh man is it devastating.  Seeing that temperature drop again yesterday morning, confirming that my cycle is again on its way rather than the longed-for positive pregnancy test...  It crushes me more than I can say.  WAY more.  More than I even try to let it--because I have that HOPE coursing through me and that ultimate belief that GOD KNOWS.  He knows how ginormous this desire of my heart is, and He loves me SO dearly.  He is sovereign and GOOD and faithful in His promises.  He is so deserving of my trust as He carries me through this painful time.  He is ready and willing to take every single worry and fear from me and let me rest in His peace.  He has a plan for our family, and it is good.  I know this with all my heart.

Then how can I still fear that we won't be able to have our own baby again?  How can I still lose heart, no matter HOW many months go by where I find out I'm not pregnant again and am hit with yet another blow as though I'm miscarrying another baby?  I have seen Him bring children to couples who were told they most likely wouldn't ever be able to conceive.  I have known four beautiful friends who have lost little ones around the same time as me who have gone on to become pregnant, and two of these have even given birth to their precious girls already.

I know that hope in Him is stronger than my heaviest fear.  That He can comfort me in my grief and will one day reunite me with my little baby, where we'll be Home--where there is no death or tears or pain.

But man, that tug of war lives on.  This time of waiting is excruciating.  I miss our little baby like nothing else...

So with each month, each week, each day... I find myself surrendering my grief that I'm not yet pregnant, releasing my fears, and asking Him to replace those things with HOPE and TRUST... in His good and perfect will.  But oh man is it a daily battle...

The "and More" Part

Driving home from Thanksgiving last night I had a good hour where Peanut (2 1/2) and husband were both asleep.  As my mind wandered I started feeling motivated about some things I've wanted to do... you know how the list goes...

*start exercising
*eat healthier
*grow through spending time with God
*keep up with house cleaning
*get organized
*come up with a meal plan system

and then some others...

*read a book
*learn more sign language
*find more time to do crafts and fun activities with Peanut
*be on time
*make it through December stress-free!
*organize my work-at-home schedule
*continue to develop Little Sign of Mine
*redecorate around the house (master bedroom and master bath esp)
*make time for my hobbies in general (photography, reading, getting crafty, etc.)

There really must be something about this time of year--with January coming near and that feeling of a fresh start.  But I know that it's only a matter of weeks, days, or even minutes before I lose that motivation.  What to do?

Join the revolution--and start a blog of course.

But actually, maybe this will work.

We know there's strength in numbers.  And somehow putting something down makes it more resolute.  So maybe, just maybe... these posts will show my baby steps... my journey toward making better choices (the lingo of a toddler mom), and putting on my big girl panties to bring some order to my life.

If you saw my house right now, you'd know it qualifies for desperate measures.